French

Mum: "Paul likes coffee from the prench fress...I can't believe I just said that."

What She Meant to Say: "Paul likes coffee from the French press."

Cats

Aunt: "Talk to you later - I'm being stared at by three hundred cats."

What She Actually Said: "Talk to you later - I'm being stared at by three hungry cats."

Birthday

Mum: "That's how I'll spend my seventeenth birthday."

What She Actually Said: "At least I'll have a break in between."

Breast

Mum: "I just put the binless, sconeless turkey breast back in the freezer."

Three

Mum: "Hang on! I only have three hands!"

Teepee

Me: "There's a tower of toilet paper in that field."

Context: "There's a teepee - as in a tent, not a tower of toilet paper - in that field."

Eat

Mum: "There's food downstairs on the counter for you.  Don't eat it."

What She Actually Said: "There's food downstairs on the counter for you.  Don't heat it."

Refrigerator

Mum: "When you come home, you need to hump the refrigerator."

What She Actually Said: "When you come home, you need to hunt the refrigerator."

Context: They'd rearranged the kitchen while I was at work.  The fantastic thing was she told this to my best friend, who was visiting, who then proceeded to come to the restaurant where I worked and tell me I needed to come home and hump the refrigerator...we'd both somehow gotten the idea that this was URGENT, so home I hurried to (in the only non-perturbing/baffling interpretation of "come home and hump the refrigerator") move a large kitchen appliance.

Poison

Mum (at 8:30 PM): "Good morning! Where's the poison?"

What She Meant to Say: "Hello! Where are the cat's meds?"

Larry

Me: "I always feel irrationally triumphant every day after I do  Larry. Oh god, did I just say that?!"

Context: Larry is a family friend whose house lies on my newspaper route, about three quarters of the way through, at the top of an extremely steep hill.

Letter

Mum: "I sent the Pearl to letter. I mean, I sent the check to Pearl."

Eye

Mum: "I know this looks fine.  I just want your eye for dessert."

What She Meant to Say: "I just want your eye for details."

Weather

Mum: "I take it the weather hasn't started yet? I mean, the router."

Hungry

Mum: "Are you hungry, or did you pretty much eat yourself out earlier?"

Context: I'd spent the day at a seafood festival.

Emptiness

Me: "Lo, there is an emptiness deep inside me! An emptiness that only one thing can fill!"

Mum: "I know, I know.  Go eat your damn lunch."

Cat

Mum: "Damn cat put a nose up my hair!"