Bridge

Grandpa (irritably:)  "I told you, the restaurant's right under the beer! I mean bridge!"

Laughter

Me: "You're making the bed laugh."

What I meant: Hell if I know!  Mum was reading in bed and I made her laugh really hard; we were both deliriously tired.

Eating

Mum: "I'm going to eat my foot up."

What She Meant To Say: "I'm going to take my food up and eat it."

Beer

Mum: "There's beer in the coffee machine for you."

Fridge

Me (indicating kitten): "Mum, has he ever tried to get in the fridge with you?"

Mum: "I've never tried to get in the fridge!"

Context: Whenever I open the fridge in our kitten's presence, he tries to climb inside.

Root

Mum (waving a pear at me): "Feet root!"

Leather

Mum: "No, no, not the teflon pans, I need the leather ones."

What She Meant to Say: "I need the cast iron ones."