Pie

Me: "You're warm, like pie."

What I Actually Said: "You're warm and nice."

Dessert

Mum: "For ice cream, there's dessert."

Bits

Best Friend: "It has girly bits!"

What She Actually Said: "It has frilly bits!"

Antique

Best Friend: "These people and their confusing antique wangs!"

What She Actually Said: "These people and their confusing antique ways!"

Context:  Some businesses still want you to snail-mail your resume and cover letter.  We sort of think they might be aliens.

Underwear

Best Friend: "Cat's underwear!"

What She Actually Said: "Cats! Everywhere!"

Spacer

Me: "I'm a heat spacer!"

Cat

Me: "They think you're their cat.  Wait! No!"

Hearing

Mum: "His earring haids give him trouble."

Christians

Best Friend: "I'm learning to do Christians."

What She Actually Said: "I'm learning to do ceramics."

Dishwasher

Me: "Are you going to put the big motherfuckers in the dishwasher?"

What I Actually Said: "Are you going to put the big metal things in the dishwasher?"

Context: The things in question were stovetop burner whotsits.  I promise.

Sideways

Mum:  "Your bottom's sideways."

Context: She referred to a framed picture which was hanging off-kilter on my wall.

Ass

Mum: "I'm going to put my ass back."

What She Actually Said: "I'm going to get my ice pack."

Goat

(Context: We have a goat, whom I used to feed every morning and every evening.  In the rainy winter months, this involved a lot of putting on and taking off of rain gear, which, combined with interacting with a goat -  not so much an animal as a fuzzy, hundred-something pound avatar of pure cussedness - made me kind of grumpy. By which I mean I grumbled.  A lot.)

Me: (Typing to Amazing Girlfriend) "Brb - fucking goat."

Amazing Girlfriend: "NOOOOOOOOO. DON'T DO IT."

(Two weeks later...)

Me: (Typing to best friend) "Brb - mother fucking goat."

Best Friend: "Hurry! STOP HER!"

Lights

Ex's Dad: "The streetlights beep when they change so deaf people know when it's safe to cross."

Familiar

(Context: My grandfather is a friendly Ent disguised as a charmingly rosy-cheeked, white-bearded and dapper elderly gentleman.  He's also deaf as a post.)

Me: (unexpectedly encountering Grandpa on his way out of a bank I deliver to)  Hello! You look familiar!

Grandpa: (beaming absently in my general direction) Thank you!