Fridge

Me (indicating kitten): "Mum, has he ever tried to get in the fridge with you?"

Mum: "I've never tried to get in the fridge!"

Context: Whenever I open the fridge in our kitten's presence, he tries to climb inside.

Root

Mum (waving a pear at me): "Feet root!"

Leather

Mum: "No, no, not the teflon pans, I need the leather ones."

What She Meant to Say: "I need the cast iron ones."

Smells

Mum: "The papal el smills."

What She Meant To Say: "The paper mill smells."

Brush

Mum: "We're going to need a real stiff-brustled little bish."

Self-Actualization

Aunt: "I just want the best for you - I don't want you to be Maggie, or your grandpa, or even me.  I just want you to be me... and maybe a little bit of me."

Bottle

Mum: "You wash my wattle bot?"

What She Was Trying To Say: "After you washed my water bottle, where did you put it?"

Lettuce

Aunt: "If you want some lettuce on your hamburger, I think Maggie got some of that fancy mescaline."

Me: "Some of that WHAT?!"

Artichoke

Mum: "The leftover pizza is for you; you can offer your grandpa the...thing that isn't an artichoke."

Me (looking past her into the fridge:) "...Pork chop?"

Washing

Mum (handing me the French press:) "Will you please put this in the washing machine?"

Alive

Me (cheerfully:) "I hope he's still alive."

What I Actually Said: "I think he's still asleep."

Feathers

Aunt: "The sauce has such wonderful feathers."

What She Actually Said: "The sauce has such wonderful texture."

Laundry

Mum (taking a plate from me): "I'll put this in the laundry for you."

River

Me: "It's the oldest house in the river."

What I Meant To Say: "It's the oldest house in town."